In seminary, my professors taught me many things. I learned to exegete, to lead a meeting, to sing hymns on pitch, and to recite significant dates in the history of the church. Unfortunately, I did not learn what to do when a blindingly handsome stranger with straw gold hair and dazzling white teeth began attending the church where I am pastor.
I consider myself a reasonably mature person. I always scoffed at stories of ministers getting embroiled in sexual indiscretions. I believed the phenomenon of male pastors running off with their secretaries was an embarrassing mid-life-crisis cliché. Certainly I would never get so overwrought with passion that I would cross a boundary of appropriate behavior.
Sigh.
In reality, I am just as subject to the humiliating lack of rational thought that comes with romance as any middle-aged man.
So, when the handsome blonde man came to church, my rational thought flew out the window and my inner 15 year old came out with a vengeance.
He tended to come to church early, and when I saw him, my heart started fluttering, just like it would in high school. I found excuses to go near his pew—rearranging the flag, making sure the matches were stocked, stacking the bulletins more neatly. I would “casually” strike up conversation, learning about his work, his interests. He never mentioned a wife or girlfriend, which I thought was a good sign, but whenever I invited him out with the other young adults, he did not seem interested at all.
Even my boss got into the act. If my boss noticed that Mr. Handsome was in church, he’d shove me into the sanctuary and say, “Go talk to him!”
And I did. I talked and batted eyelashes and talked some more. I talked to him so much that eventually he just stopped coming to church. That’s right, I flirted myself out of a parishioner. I fell prey to the ridiculous rush of endorphins and super-ego blocking hormones that comes with attraction and I made a fool of myself and cheated Mr. Handsome out of a peaceful church experience. He moved to a church with only male pastors who would leave him well enough alone.
Years later, I found out that Mr. Handsome was also Mr. Lothario—that he had a string of girlfriends, some overlapping, and had huge problems with commitment. So, in some way, maybe my idiotic behavior spared me from an even worse fate than embarrassment! But my reaction to Mr. Handsome was still a sobering experience.
How humiliating to realize I had the capacity for such spectacularly stupid behavior! First, as a woman, I completely ignored the powerfully strong signals of disinterest that Mr. Handsome sent out. He never flirted back and always answered my questions respectfully. Maybe if he had curled up into the fetal position and shouted, “Back! Back away woman! You’re freaking me out!” I would have paid more attention. Alas, I was oblivious.
Secondly, as a minister, as a pastor I completely ignored my inner pastor-voice telling me that my behavior was not in this guy’s best interest. How can you listen to a sermon or really relax in worship when the pastor is gazing at you like you’re the dreamiest dreamboat ever? Oy.
I’ve been a pastor longer now, and have not made the same mistake again, but I’m still unsettled. If attraction/love/lust comes hand in hand with irrational behavior, how can I know I will make good choices in the future? Short of wiring some electrical device to deliver a painful electric shock anytime my “romance” neurons fire at church, what practices can I integrate to protect myself (and others!) from passion’s wayward leadings? What prayers will guard me from blonde boys and their sparkly pearly whites?
I do not know. But I trust that my experience with Mr. Handsome, and my own desire for the good of my congregation, and the grace of the Holy Spirit will lead me on a wise path. If not, maybe I should just go work at a nursing home.
Comments
chavale writes:
This sounds so familiar to me.
Went through the first part of the story recently. And found out that he has a 18-year old girl he calls his girl-friend.
Although I know her, he never mentioned her name when we were talking.Nor did he mention the fact that he has a girl-friend when he talked with others. At least not in my presence.
Anyway- all flirting and so is over now.
(But I´m still struggling with the question what he gets from a 18-year old girl that he wouldn´t get from me. But I fear I´d never get the answer)
I whish I would reach the second part of your story soon, too.
You have learned your lesson in the end and so did I.
Thank you for being so honest.
—June 10, 2008 at 05:42 PM
purechristianithink writes:
Been on both sides of this equation--Had a big crush on a divorced male parishioner for a while years ago. I think I am shy enough that neither he nor anyone else noticed this. He eventually married another single woman in that congregation. Back when I was single, I also had one or two single parishioners who were pretty obviously interested in me. One of them was mature enough to pick up my "Not interested" vibes and turned his attentions elsewhere--the other was a fairly contstant irritation up to the day I announced my engagement in public worship.
—June 15, 2008 at 12:12 PM
stephanieG writes:
as for how to avoid or at least deal with kind of situation - i find accountability in covenant groups and christian friends who can counsel and hold me accountable when i cannot hold myself accountable...
—June 17, 2008 at 11:04 PM
Single and Fabulous writes:
Oh, thank you so much for writing such an honest piece and letting me know that I'm not alone!
I feel like such a horrible person because there is a parishioner that I can barely look in the eye for fear he might catch on to my overwhelming crush. I do my best to keep that under wraps...but I'm so glad I have a male pastor on staff who can minister to him so that he doesn't actually get completely ignored!!
—July 08, 2008 at 02:39 PM